Living apart together: a committed couple with two homes

For a long time, a serious relationship came with one expectation: sooner or later, you would move in together. Many people dating again in their sixties and seventies see it differently. They may have a house full of memories, children and grandchildren nearby, a garden, a dog, a pension and a will they have thought about carefully. They would love someone to share their life with, but not necessarily their kitchen. Living apart together, often shortened to LAT, gives that wish a name. This guide explains what it is, why it suits so many people later in life, what to talk about before you settle into it and how to find someone who wants the same.

What does living apart together mean?

Living apart together means two people are in a committed, long-term relationship but each keeps their own home. They may live a few streets apart or an hour's drive away, see each other several times a week or spend every weekend together, and still go home to their own front door at the end of it.

Statistics Canada uses a simple definition in its surveys: someone who is not married or living common law, but who is in a couple with a person living in another dwelling, is in a LAT relationship. What matters is the commitment, not the address. A LAT couple can be exclusive, introduce each other to family, travel together and plan for the future, exactly like any other couple.

How common is living apart together?

LAT couples are more common than many people think. In Canada, nearly 1.5 million people aged 25 to 64 were in a couple with someone who lived elsewhere in 2017, which was 9 percent of everyone in a couple, up from 6 percent in 2006, according to the Vanier Institute of the Family's reading of the General Social Survey.

The share is highest among young adults, but it does not vanish later in life. Among people in couples aged 55 to 64, 5 percent lived apart. Statistics Canada also found that among seniors who live alone, 12 percent of men and 4 percent of women were in a LAT relationship. Behind every one of those percentages are people who decided that love and a shared address do not have to come as a package.

Why do people over 60 choose living apart together?

People over 60 choose this arrangement for reasons that have more to do with a full life than with any doubt about their partner. Many own a home they have spent decades making their own, and do not want to sell it or ask someone else to fit into it. Others have grown-up children and grandchildren who visit often, a community they are part of or a routine that simply works.

Money and inheritance play a part too. Keeping two households can make it simpler to leave each home to your own family and to keep finances separate, which many people find a relief the second time around. And some people, after years of caring for a spouse or raising a family, value having a space that is entirely theirs. Among Canadian LAT couples in 2017, 34 percent said living apart was a choice, not a compromise.

Is a LAT relationship a real relationship?

A LAT relationship is a real relationship in every way that counts: two people choose each other, stay faithful if that is what they agree, support each other and share their lives. The difference is practical, not emotional. You still call each other partners, spend birthdays and holidays together and look after each other when one of you is unwell.

Some friends and relatives may need a little time to understand it, especially if they grew up assuming that a couple who are serious move in together. A simple explanation usually helps: you are very happy together, and you both like your own homes. For many people over 60, that answer is all the reassurance their family needs.

What are the harder parts of a LAT relationship?

This way of living is not effortless, and it helps to know the harder parts before you start. Running two homes costs more than one, from heating to insurance, and the travel between them takes time, particularly in winter or if one of you gives up driving. Spontaneous evenings are rarer when every visit has to be planned.

There can also be moments of loneliness on the nights you are apart, and the arrangement needs to be revisited as life changes. A set-up that is perfect at 63 may need rethinking at 78. The couples who do best talk about it now and then, without treating a change of heart as a failure.

How does living apart together affect children and money?

Keeping two homes often makes life simpler where children and money are concerned, which is one reason it appeals to people with families from earlier relationships. Each of you keeps your own home, your own accounts and your own arrangements for what you leave behind, so there is less for anyone to worry about.

That said, relationships can still have legal and financial consequences, and the rules differ from country to country and province to province. If you share costs, lend each other money or would like to provide for your partner in your will, it is worth a conversation with a lawyer or financial adviser where you live. Telling your children openly about your relationship, and about what you have agreed, prevents misunderstandings later.

How can you find a partner who wants to live apart together?

You can find a partner who wants to live apart together by being clear about it from the start, on your profile and in your first conversations. Many singles over 60 feel exactly the same way but hesitate to say so, in case it sounds like a lack of commitment. A line such as "Looking for a loving partner, happy in my own home" tells the right people what they need to know.

On Forever Match Senior you can state on your profile that you want a relationship, and the suggestions you receive stay within the ages and distance you choose, so a partner who lives nearby, but not with you, is easy to find. Creating your profile, browsing suggestions and sending a few messages a day are free, and VIP removes the message limit for C$24.99 a week in Canada, $24.99 in the US, £18.49 in the UK or €24.99 in Ireland.

Join free and meet singles over 60 who value their independence →