Dating as a widower: finding company again, in your own time

Dating after the death of a spouse is one of the hardest steps there is. Losing a wife or long-term partner turns every part of life upside down, and the thought of dating again can feel impossible for a long time. Then, often unexpectedly, you notice that you miss having someone to talk to over dinner or to share a day out with. This guide is for widowers who are wondering whether that feeling is all right, how to take the first step and what to say to the people around them. It also has a section for anyone who has started dating a widower and wants to understand him better.

When is a widower ready to start dating again?

A widower is ready to start dating again when it feels right to him, not after a set number of months. Cruse Bereavement Support, the UK bereavement charity, says there is no timeline for grief and no right or wrong answer on when, or if, you date again. Some men feel ready within a year or two; others take much longer, and some decide they are happier on their own. Sue Ryder, which also supports bereaved people, adds that nobody should feel pressured to open up to someone new.

Cruse lists a few signs that may help you decide: you no longer feel overwhelmed by grief, you feel able to live your life on your own, you have stopped comparing everyone with your late partner and you feel hopeful about the future. It also suggests taking things slowly and checking how each step feels. It is perfectly fine to try dating for a while and stop if it is not right yet.

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Is it normal for a widower to feel guilty about dating?

It is completely normal for a widower to feel guilty about dating, and the feeling often arrives just as you start to enjoy someone's company. Cruse describes guilt as a common part of grief at every stage, and one that thinking about a new relationship can bring back strongly.

What helps many men is realising that it is possible to love and miss your wife and still make room for happiness with someone new. Cruse suggests thinking about how your partner would have wanted you to feel. If she would have hated to see you lonely, that thought can soften the guilt, even if it never disappears completely.

How do you tell your grown-up children you are dating?

Tell your grown-up children you are dating before they hear it from someone else, and choose a calm moment rather than introducing a new partner without warning. Your children are grieving too, and Cruse notes that they may find any sign of their mother being replaced hard to accept. It can help to explain that trying a new relationship says nothing about how you felt, or still feel, about her.

Expect a range of reactions, and give them time. Some children are relieved that you have company; others need months to get used to the idea. Listen to what worries them, keep them welcome in your home and in your life, and remember the point Cruse makes so well: in the end, this is your life, and how you spend it is up to you.

Should you talk about your late wife on a date?

You can and should talk about your late wife on a date, briefly and honestly, because she is part of who you are. Cruse recommends an honest conversation with a new partner, explaining that you will always have an ongoing relationship with the person who died. Most people dating in their sixties have a past of their own and will understand.

The skill is balance. Mention her early, answer questions kindly, then let the conversation move on to the present: what you both enjoy, where you like to walk, what you would like to do next spring. A first date that is mostly about the past can leave you both feeling low, while touching on it briefly is reassuring.

What should a widower write on his dating profile?

A widower's dating profile should mention that he is widowed, in a single, simple line, and then talk about the life he leads now. Something like "I lost my wife a few years ago and I am ready to enjoy good company again" tells people what they need to know without turning the profile into a story of loss.

Use a recent photo of yourself on your own, not one cropped from a wedding or family picture. Then describe your days: the garden, the grandchildren, the golf, the cooking you have had to learn. Say clearly whether you hope for friendship, a companion for outings or a new partner, so the people who write to you want the same.

Dating a widower: what should a new partner know?

If you are dating a widower, the most useful thing to know is that his love for his late wife and his feelings for you can exist side by side. Photographs on the wall, a quiet day on her birthday or a wedding anniversary, and stories about their life together are signs of a loyal man, not of a man who is unavailable.

Ask about her when it feels natural and listen without comparing yourself. Let him set the pace for meeting his children and friends, and talk openly about what you each want from the relationship. Widower dating works best when both people are honest, patient and kind to the past as well as to each other.

How can widowers stay safe when dating online?

Widowers can stay safe when dating online by remembering that grief can make anyone more trusting for a while; Cruse points out that it can temporarily make us more vulnerable and affect decisions. Romance scammers know this. Be wary of anyone who declares love very quickly, always has a reason not to meet or talk on video, wants to move the chat off the site, or asks you to keep the relationship secret.

Never send money, gift cards or bank details to someone you have not met, however moving the story. On Forever Match Senior you can block a profile at once or report it, and the site warns you when someone pushes to take the conversation to another app. In the UK, report romance fraud to Report Fraud on 0300 123 2040 (Police Scotland on 101 in Scotland); in the US, report it to the Federal Trade Commission.

If grief itself feels heavy, Cruse runs a free national helpline on 0808 808 1677, and talking things through can make the question of dating clearer too.

Why does Forever Match Senior suit widowers?

Forever Match Senior suits widowers because it is a dating site for singles over 60, where many members have also loved and lost and nobody expects you to hurry. Every profile says what that person hopes for, so you can look for friendship or companionship first and see where it leads.

Joining is free, with a full profile, daily suggestions, a free ID or video check and a few messages each day. Once your profile is verified you can also join the moderated group chat rooms, a gentle way back into conversation. VIP, for unlimited messages, costs £18.49 or $24.99 for a week, always shown in your local currency before checkout.

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